I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics