[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
You Might Also Like
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…