“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start