At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
This line from Airplane.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”