What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I am never leaving this website
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Sorry. Not sorry