Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
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Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
How to wake up a Beagle
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*