i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
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Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Well well well…
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink