Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
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Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Favourite diary entry ever
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
whenever i wake up before my alarm
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*