Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.