Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.