me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Bobby pin
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
The glory of fall.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?