Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
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“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
There’s never enough good news