I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
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My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
the #horror is real!
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.