Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
You Might Also Like
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.