Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
when someone rings the doorbell
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!