Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
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Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.