Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
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Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.