First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
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The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
How funny!
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”