Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.