Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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So, can we agree on 4 or
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in