Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Come back with a warrant
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.