Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
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You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.