>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
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Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.