DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
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If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Battery falling down a hole
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Classic German Shepherd 😂
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”