Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost