*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
this is so top tier i cant
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
won’t smith
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.