1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now