It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.