[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*