From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.