I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!