Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*seductively eats two tums*
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket