This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Happy Friday
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
🔦🌙👣
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.