Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
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No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.