Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Tony Hawk, age 6
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
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Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.