I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*