Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
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British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!