The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
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Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste