Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
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“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.