[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit