How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Buying a well is money well spent.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.