I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
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WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I think my mom just blocked me
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.