“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
kids play hide and seek like
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Home is where your toilet is.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
White Castle for the Win
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.