Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
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Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health