Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
You Might Also Like
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
is nasa ok
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
This is the coolest video you will see today.