Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?