The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal