This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Wedding planning is organized crime.