So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Best spot.. 😅
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.