Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…